panic

theres so much on my mind right now. so much weighing down on me.... i cant breathe. i hate the feeling. the feeling that a flat of bricks is laying on my chest, or that someone is just squeezing my lungs... making them unable to expand. i have to purposely inhale. purposely exhale. you would think that would help... like it would break the hold of that person squeezing on your lungs. but it doesnt. every breathe is like that. and i hate it.

i remember dreading coming home, while on tour. i remember all the fear that was building up in me. fear of being jobless, of having no leads either, fear of leaving things behind me, of everything changing. the way i could see it, my life was flipping upside down. like i have been slowly learning how to walk on the balance beam for how many years and finally got familiar with it, able to have a little more confidence in myself, walk at a decent pace across it, loosing my balance at times but able to recover. now its like im all of a sudden hanging from a swinging bar... disoriented and over-ridden with fear... fear of how i got here and how on earth im supposed to learn how to handle this new challenge when all i've know is walking the balance beam.

i dont think that made any sense at all. but thats how i feel. i dont know what to do.

i know that God will come through. i know he will be faithful. he's proven himself to me enough times even when i didnt deserve to expect or ask him to. my heart knows he will be faithful. but my body doesnt. maybe its just my brain that knows, and not my heart. im scared. i know i dont trust. not enough. maybe i dont know how.

i cant sleep. not well. it takes forever for me to fall asleep and then when i finally do, all night im having these weird dreams. some nightmares, but some not quite. there just so... strange... and they must be intriguing to my unconscious self because i wont leave them. even when i wake up to my alarm(s)... its like i wake up just long enough to hit the snooze button and then go straight back into the dream. that doenst usually happen. maybe im not really waking up at all... but my alarm just becomes par tof the dream for a split second. but its driving me crazy. here i have all this to do, trying to be responsible, keep my life together, and because of all these crazy dreams... i sleep for hours and hours. far more than i planned for. like today. i woke up at 9. right before my alarm. i was excited to for once this week waking up before 12. i went to the bathroom and then came back and just layed down about to grab my computer. the next thing i know its 11:30. what the crap! i want it to stop! and that was last night! when i tried to not do alot on my computer or watch any movies near bedtime. instead i listened to music and wrote out a bible verse on some card stock to put on my wall... 'come and follow me'... a command that finally got to me from listening to Francis Chan speak at Spirit West Coast last friday night. I read a tad bit of twilight. got a call from an old friend whos like a little brother to me from boston. it wasnt an easy talk. maybe thats what kept me up... with crazy dreams. i dont know what it was. but i just cant shake this.

now im just babbling. none of this is important information. i dont know why im even writing it on here. no one wants to read me complaining about this and that.

i think i really meant all this for Him. i need someone. someone that can help me. i have an amazing boyfriend, and an amazing best friend in him, and hes always there for me, but he cant help me. and i dont expect him to. but i need someone who can help me. and all this time i've been writing, all i keep hearing is...

come to me. ask me for help. it sounds silly, but ask me to help you trust me. depend on me. im the only one who can help you. you know this. why wont you let yourself BELIEVE it. stop trying to look to others for what you will only find in me. come and follow me.

guess i know what i need.