Perfect proof of this is God himself. The bible says that God is love. If theres anything I've come to know in the last few years, its that i dont understand God. He doesnt make sense to me most of the time. His plans, his ways, his grace, mercy, and absolute unconditional love just plain doesnt make sense. How does it make sense that he would love someone like me? A liar, a thief, a deceiver, a murderer; all these things are so far from God, so against everything he is, and yet, he loves me. Even saying that, typing it, I know that i dont quite get it. I dont know if i ever will.
You know, growing up whenever my mom and i would get in a fight (which was often, mind you) she would almost always say that i wouldnt understand how much punishing me (in whatever way) hurt her, how much she loved me, until i had a child of my own. I'm sure shes partially right, but i dont know if even then i'll fully understand what love completely is.
If God is love, and we can never fully understand him in this lifetime, then will i ever fully understand what love is? Will I ever be able to really truly love someone, unconditionally? I'd like to think i would. I'd like to think that i love the people i say i do (now). I'd like to think that when i get married someday and i say i love my husband, and truly believe that i do, that i do actually love him. But will i understand it then? When i have children, and they grow up, and they have grandchildren, will i understand love then? Or is this thing called love just something that i will always be seeking to understand, but never fully attaining?
I hate to think that I'll never fully understand love. I truly believe that love is the greatest thing on this earth, in our eternal lives for that matter. I pray and hope that i can understand it at some point because i want to experience it to the fullest.
You know, there are the people that say 'i love you' to people all the time; maybe not everyone, but alot of important people in their lives. And then there are the people that are so acutely careful of who they say 'i love you' to and when. I have always been one of the first. There are a good number of people in my life that i hold very dear to my heart, and i'll tell them that i love them often. Ive never been one to hesitate in saying this (at least not often). Being thus, i've never really quite understood those that are so scared, so careful of who they say it to and when. I just didnt and still dont really get it. Its not that i think my way is right and theirs is wrong or anything, i just never understood why people would hold back telling someone that they love them. I'm now starting to wonder if my way, or perspective, on this is really all that good. If i dont truly understand what love is, how can i claim and try to tell someone else that i love them? Its almost as if im lying, not only to them, but to myself.
My friend made this collage for me. I am eager to get it up on my wall to remind me of this great mystery in my life. As I read all the things that it says that love is, i know that even when i say to the dearest of people to me in the world that i love them, that i am not all these things to them, for them, with them, all the time. In fact, if i look closely at myself, I'm probably very much the opposite most of the time. Goes to show you how much I really know about myself.
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