Present Looking

It has been a long past couple of weeks. Stress is building up, tasks stacking up, more sleep lacking. But in the midst of all that, I have come to somewhat of a resolution of some sort.

I've already talked about how i want something new. I want a change. Well, even though there may not be any big changes right now, like where i live or what im doing, or how busy i am, i feel like this will make big difference even while I'm still here in LA, preparing for the future.

I am tired of living.... in the future, for the future, etc. I feel like part of being in college i guess, all you ever seem to be doing is preparing for your future. I dont mean that as a bad thing, but at the same time I think it kinda is. We spend so much of our time focusing on the future (even if its in an indirect way) that we dont focus on the present. We dont focus on what God has for us now. We dont focus on how God can USE us now! Yes, the future is important, dont get me wrong. But its just as important as right now is.

I have no idea what God's plans are for me. I could die tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I dont know. Even more than I am tired of living only for the future, I am tired of living ruled by my fears. Fear of love, fear of never finding that person that God has planned for me, fear of choosing someone or ending up with someone that God didnt intend for me, fear of losing that person God has planned for me, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough for anyone, fear of not being wanted or loved, fear of being alone all my life, fear of pain. So many fears.

There is a saying: "it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". I really believe that. Love is risk. You cant truly love without risking pain. I mean, look at what God has done. He loved us enough that he DIED for us, he suffered ultimate torture and pain - BECAUSE HE LOVES US! And God IS love!

I've decided, I dont want to live my life in the future, only looking to it and fearing it at the same time. I want to live in the present. I want to love people to the best of my ability without reservation. This isnt to say not having boundaries and what not. But I dont want to hold back! I want to live as if today is my last day. I want to love God - and love him and the people in my life as God loves - absolutely unconditionally. Even in light of the possibility of pain, loving still.